A guilty city.

I have been feeling a lot of guilt this week.

I always seem to feel guilty when everything is really out of my control, or when ever I put myself before someone else. It eats me up inside, to think about myself before another. But sometimes I just can't help it, if I don't do something for me I feel like I am gonna just go crazy.

I feel guilty about how lost he is...
I feel guilty about how I turned her away...
I feel guilty for the almost home...
I feel guilty for liking him so much...
I feel guilty for say bad things behind backs...
I feel guilty for snapping at my friends...
I feel guilty for not forcing myself to act on impulse...
I feel guilty for ignoring my mother...
I feel guilty.

And the guilt hits me so hard every time. It's like I can feel it moving around in my body. That little thing in the back of the mind that is ever present, that just sits there and stews. It makes me apologize when I don't mean it because I just want everyone to like me... I don't like to think about people saying bad things about me. I don't like to think about having enemies. It makes me wonder how many people I have turned against me... how many friends I have lost.

I sometimes think that the very act of trying to avoid disappointing anyone is what drives people away.

I want to be an honest and forward person... but I don't want to hurt anyone.

I get caught in a place where I have no direction. Where do I go from here? And how can I make this right?

Somethings are just meant to be lost, I suppose.