Friday, March 20, 2009


Talking dirt.

Talking trash.

I don't like to do it myself, but I feel sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes I have to hold back from gossiping about myself, revealing information that I have been trying to keep under wraps. I find it easy to hear gossip from other people, that way I don't feel guilty for spreading it, I'm just the receiver.

I have those certain friends that would gossip all day if they could. Tell me every little detail of everyone I ever knew, and some people I didn't know. What drives people to gossip? Whether the information is true or untrue. What do people gain from talking about others? Adrenaline. A sense of danger, of breaking the rules. People get a rush. They feel important for holding information that no one else knows. Powerful. The ability to hold someone elses reputation on the tip of their tongue.

Excitement. A thrill.
Lets speak softly and not worry about the consequences.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


Being home.
It is suppose to feel warm and comfortable.

But I can't seem to fall in to place.

I think I am paranoid. I keep thinking maybe all my supposed friends are avoiding me... making up excuses so they don't have to see me. It's just strange... in high school I was friends with everyone, but I realize now the difference between friends and dependents. I struggle to find someone here that I really trust... that I would honestly count as a true friend. It hurts me a little but also makes me feel better about where I am now. The new home I have found seems that much more strong. I find it is filled with several people who I can count on through the thick and thin. True friends who want to share all of my moments with me and don't hide under rocks when I come running.

Sometimes the things you thought you loved fade out and reveal something truer underneath.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

A guilty city.

I have been feeling a lot of guilt this week.

I always seem to feel guilty when everything is really out of my control, or when ever I put myself before someone else. It eats me up inside, to think about myself before another. But sometimes I just can't help it, if I don't do something for me I feel like I am gonna just go crazy.

I feel guilty about how lost he is...
I feel guilty about how I turned her away...
I feel guilty for the almost home...
I feel guilty for liking him so much...
I feel guilty for say bad things behind backs...
I feel guilty for snapping at my friends...
I feel guilty for not forcing myself to act on impulse...
I feel guilty for ignoring my mother...
I feel guilty.

And the guilt hits me so hard every time. It's like I can feel it moving around in my body. That little thing in the back of the mind that is ever present, that just sits there and stews. It makes me apologize when I don't mean it because I just want everyone to like me... I don't like to think about people saying bad things about me. I don't like to think about having enemies. It makes me wonder how many people I have turned against me... how many friends I have lost.

I sometimes think that the very act of trying to avoid disappointing anyone is what drives people away.

I want to be an honest and forward person... but I don't want to hurt anyone.

I get caught in a place where I have no direction. Where do I go from here? And how can I make this right?

Somethings are just meant to be lost, I suppose.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

A reoccurring dream.

It's 1:40am.
He just left.
I'm bored.

I made this blog cause I thought maybe it might lead to something.

It reminds me of this reoccurring dream I use to have my freshman year of high school. It was simple enough. I would dream that I started a blog that said all the things I really felt about my boyfriend at the time. How I hated loving him. How I hated the way he pushed me when I wasn't ready. How I loved blaming myself for how shitty I felt... all the things I would never have the strength to say to him. And then I would be sitting next to him when he accidentally pulled up my blog... he sat there and read it for some time, no expression on his face. Then a smile cracked, and he just started laughing... laughing at my foolishness. Laughing at the feelings I had. Laughing. And my insides felt cold, and it felt so real. It felt like my heart was breaking every time I had that dream... and it took me a hundred times before I realized my heart really was breaking.

Dreams have a funny way of letting you know what you are really feeling... because sometimes you are just too afraid to accept it on your own... Sometimes you just need a little push in the right direction. A slap in the face.